I’m
working at my table, listening to my Phil Collins station on Pandora (don’t
judge, yo), and U2’s “Pride (In The Name of Love)” comes surging out of my
speakers. The Edge is doing that thing
he does, Bono is singing his heart out, and I am immediately returned to high
school. I was gobsmacked when I heard
this song for the first time, full of anger and sadness and hope at the lyrics,
and full of joy at the sound. And full
of the conviction that there was Somewhere Else out there, a place that was
better for me than high school ever could be.
For a girl growing up in Central Nowhere, it was one more shred of
evidence that my real life was waiting out there. I knew I could find my place if I just
followed the music.
Tonight,
hearing the song again, all that teenage passion and angst comes bursting out
of me. It flows through my fingers and onto
my pages. The song takes me where I need
to go, because music is magic.
I
really do believe it. Music does things
for me that nothing else can do. If I
don’t listen to at least one song every day, I get droopy, like a plant without
water. If I had to choose between going
without music or clean underwear, I’d choose clean underwear (you can turn them
inside out!). I know lots of people that
would choose music. Does this make us
weird? Possibly.
Gabe’s
got his own music magic going on. When I
started BEAUTIFUL MUSIC, I wanted to create a character who falls into music
and drowns, somebody who thinks about nothing else. Then I discovered/decided that Gabe was a
trans man, and then I realized his music love would be useful, because it would
be something to distract him from all the stress in his life. It made sense to me that he could lose
himself in a passion like that. And what’s hilarious is how Gabe’s musical
tastes evolved—he likes some of the stuff I like (vintage funk and soul, Devo),
but he also likes other stuff I don’t (Queensryche).
Once
I knew Gabe was in love with music, I decided he needed a radio show—it would
be a great place for him to practice being Gabe without the risk of being
seen. Staying hidden doesn’t quite work out,
of course (a book needs tension, right?), but it makes sense that a music geek
would want to share the love in a public way.
Radio was the perfect medium for his passion.
I
also knew music would be a bridge-builder for my audience—a way that folks with
a matching body and brain could connect with a guy whose brain and body don’t agree
with each other. Music is a shared emotional
experience that almost everyone can identify with. If I was going to create a
book with a character people might not understand, I hoped they could at least
appreciate his passion.
Back
to tonight and my kitchen table. On
Pandora, U2 has kicked into Prince’s “Let’s Go Crazy.” The first time I heard a Prince song, I fell smack
in love, and when I saw him for the first time (in the video for “When Doves
Cry”) I thought he was the sexiest beast ever. Now that crazy, crushy feeling is pouring
onto my page. Next song: “Another One
Bites the Dust,” by Queen, which totally reminds me of my brother, which makes
me think of all my childhood jealousy, so I get it down after I’m finished with
the crushy stuff. Now it’s Toto’s
“Africa,” and suddenly I’m at the Southwest Conference Concert Band at Kearney
State College, scared to death to meet all the cute boys and learn the tympani
parts for our concert (seriously, you haven’t heard “Africa” until you’ve heard
a high school concert band play it). Now
that shy, hesitant feeling is wandering into my writing.
You
see why I need it? I couldn’t write YA
without it. But really, I couldn’t make
sense of anything if I didn’t have
music to help me. Gabe’s the same way. Here’s the best part: music doesn’t ask
anything in return for our devotion. It
just loves us, and Gabe and I love it back. And when we need to know our direction in
life, we follow where it leads us.
"Beautiful Music for Ugly Children" will be released in USA on October 8th by Flux Publishing. My review will be published here soon. Kristin Cronn-Mill's website is here.
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